Speaking out loud

Well i'm just lying here tired but i just can't find my way into shutting my eyes and just falling asleep, maybe because i'm just laying thinking about everything. This is probably my first real blog about something more relevant to what i'm really thinking. Yea i'm just beating around the bush about what could be flying around my head.... Viewing everything that's going on in my life just seems pretty routine, basically work and helping around the house when I am home, and of course my friends. Which i have been more at home the last couple months.. Yea i'm not in school or doing something more positive for my future, and i know i'm the conductor to my life. But why do i always let the train stop at everything i get amused about? Life is serious if you take it serious, apparently i'm only 50% committed to what is real.. I know what's best for me. My only real concern is failure, but how do i know i'm going to fail if i don't even apply myself, why is it so hard for me to try when i know i can easily do it? Maybe convncing myself that i can makes me not try, that's just a mask for doubt. A mask i need to take off and just get with it.. As i type and type more my thoughts get more narrow on what i know is lingering in my head. As open as i think i am, i'm truley not, i like to keep things private, well more now that i'm getting older, but closing things out like this just leads me to digging deeper holes tha i may or may not get myself out of. As much i think i don't need help, i'm being stubborn to ask for it.. If you happen to be reading this, i hope you can see how spoiled i've been to think that everything can easily be handed to me, which is totally the oppisite.. "Better late than never" is something i don't want to live by, cuz that'll drag on and i'll just wait wait wait and wait some more.. I believe more on, "get rich or die trying", should be something i should live by. Funny how i'm always up to the challenge for anything, but how come i've never accepted the true challenge, living my life through my expectations? story of my life.. But it doesn't deserve any pity at all, if anyone is to blame, it should be me.. Well this really helped me clear my head and i should keep myself on my toes about the things i know that need to be done..

-ciao bella
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